Almost Valentine's Day

Sunday night was extremely tough. Elizabeth had a really bad episode where her eyes were open and she was non-responsive. Her pupils were fixed and dialated for 1-2 minutes, and she seemed to be gasping for breath. Her heartrate continued to be low (40s) and erratic for a couple of hours. Again, we were closer than we have ever been to losing her.

All Monday morning Michael and I spent with her, holding her and reading to her and talking to her. She wasn't really conscious most of the time, but during one period of alertness we were able to talk to her about what she is worried about. It turns out she doesn't want to go to heaven without us. There's not a whole lot we can say that will make that okay with her. But we did talk about how wonderful heaven is and how time there is different from time here. If she gets to heaven before we do, she won't even have time to miss us before we'll all be together again there. I told her it is like when the kids in Narnia go through the wardrobe and they are in Narnia for years and years, but when they go back home through the wardrobe again they have only been gone for a day. She understood that, but I'm not sure how much she believes it. She just doesn't want to leave us, and I can't blame her. I can't imagine being a little kid (even one as wise as she) and enduring so much pain, knowing that I may die and lose my parents and the only life I've ever known. Please pray for peace for her through this.

I'm getting better, and thanks to tons and tons of Sudafed I'm actually feeling alright. Hopefully the rest of the family stays well.

We think that Elizabeth's recent episodes may have been triggered by the increase in methadone. Looking back on the last time she was having similar symptoms (although she's never been fixed and dialated with non-responsive pupils like that--simply awful and scarey), it seemed to coincide with the last methadone increase. So this may just be another risk to increasing her pain meds to keep her as comfortable as possible. I don't know how many more increases her body can take if this is how it reacts every time, yet we certainly can't allow her to suffer in pain either. These just don't seem like "choices". I don't want to choose any of this. I hate cancer.

Elizabeth seemed to rest pretty comfortably over night. Of course, I was up constantly checking her vitals and blood sugars trying to stay sane. She was stable all night, heartrate back to 80s-90s and steady. She slept with the oxygen on and was at 99-100 saturation levels all night, which hopefully helps to refresh her body.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Who would have ever guessed that we would make it this far? Please pray that it is a happy time for us and gives us another chance to share our love with Elizabeth and the boys. Pray that we have happy memories of Valentine's Day so that future Valentine's days can be somewhat happy.

Happy Valentine's Day.