Rough Day

We went up on Elizabeth's methadone dose this afternoon. Hopefully after a day of the higher dose (changed from 15mg/6 hours to 20mg/6 hours) she will start to have a little relief. She wasn't complaining about any breakthrough pain, but rather she was having constant pain that the methadone just wasn't seeming to help. Her pain has been mainly in her back (both upper and lower) for the last couple of days, but today she was complaining more of chest pain when we asked. She doesn't complain about much on her own... we really have to work at getting her to tell us what is wrong. She is trying to tough it out herself--I just can't imagine how she does it.

I was asking what was wrong earlier today--she has been visibly bothered and upset, but doesn't really volunteer any information. She finally told me, "I'm afraid I won't make it." I know what I would mean if I said that, but I wanted to be sure what she was meaning... so I asked if she meant she wouldn't make it back to school or to go on her Disney Cruise celebration or exactly what she meant. She was quite annoyed that I was asking for clarification (because I think she thought it should be quite evident what she meant) and said "to be alive" which was quickly followed by her "duh, mom" look that she gives me. So she finally talked about it. We talked about heaven and about miracles. I told her that sometimes kids die from cancer and sometimes they don't and that we are doing everything that we can to help her live. She is really worried about dying. There is nothing peaceful or calm about when she talks about it--she doesn't want to stop living and she doesn't want to stop fighting. She is not experiencing the peace that a lot of kids do at this point. I don't know if that means her time isn't up, or if it just means that she will stay determined to live until the cancer finally takes her. I just don't know what to think any more. I just keep praying for a miracle.

Please keep spreading the word about Elizabeth's incredible will to live. Keep praying and thanks for still checking in on us.

Also, I am starting to get sick. Hopefully it's just a cold and nothing worse, but even a cold could be devastating to Elizabeth right now. I have been so extra careful to wash my hands well and try to keep my germs away from her. It is so hard because all I want to do is be with her. Please pray that whatever I have, Elizabeth doesn't catch it, and that it passes quickly so I can get back to covering her in kisses.