Thyroid biopsied

This morning I had the pleasant experience of needles shoved into my thyroid so cell samples could be collected. I use the term "pleasant" very loosely, though I'm not one to complain about much of anything after witnessing everything Elizabeth endured so bravely. The pathologist seemed rather confident that there were enough cells gathered to do a full and complete analysis. The results should be available to my endocrinologist by Friday or Monday, and I imagine I will hear from her office immediately if there is good news. If I haven't heard anything by Monday, I'll call myself to ask if biopsy results are in. Odds are very much in my favor that I have an enlarged and nodular thyroid due to hypothyroidism and NOT cancer, but with Elizabeth having had an endocrine cancer we aren't leaving anything to chance. Thyroid cancer is VERY treatable -- virtually the complete opposite of pancreatic cancer -- so even if a malignancy is found, it is very minor in the grand scheme of life. Certainly nothing can compare to losing a child, so that's that.

After a very very good few days after the breast surgery, seeing Elizabeth while I was under and finally feeling like she really is happy and okay, and getting the good breast biopsy news, I had a very very bad few days. It just keeps coming back around and slapping me in the face. I just miss her so very much. Our home is still so full with the three boys, yet it is so so empty without her. Her smile and sweet giggle just lit our lives so and I'm still having a very hard time trying to find a way to go on with living without her. I think we all are. It is just so sad and wrong and it is never going to be okay that she is gone. That said, we can't just throw ourselves into despair and waste the time we have left to be here before we can be with her again. I'm looking for work, applying for jobs, and sending out resumes. Of course, everywhere I'm looking has something to do with either helping cancer patients or working with parents or at the hospital. I just feel such a need to use what we learned to reach out and help where it's needed.

Other than that, things are still pretty much dragging on. Mike has drama performances coming up for school early May, so he's at school late almost everyday for rehearsal. It has been good for him to have that outlet. Matt and I are still visiting the cemetery a couple times a week. Our roses are starting to bloom like crazy, so we are able to take some of the flowers that Elizabeth so appreciated at home to her grave. I thought that I liked to go because maybe I felt closer to her there, but I don't really feel any closer to her at the cemetery than home. I think I like going because every time it reminds me that we aren't the only people who have lost someone. There is a weird kind of comfort I feel being there -- that death really is such an integral part of living -- and that this life really is just a bump on the road in the whole grand scheme of things. Danny has started sleeping in Elizabeth's bed every now and then. A few nights ago I had to keep putting him back in his bed, he just kept coming out. He finally stopped coming out, so I assumed he must have settled in bed. When I went to get in my bed, I found him in Elizabeth's bed sleeping. He had brought in his pillow and his Build-A-Bear monkey Elizabeth made him, and was snuggled up in her bed. He's done that once again since the first time. I guess he misses her and wants to be close to her, too.

Michael and I still need to order the memorial stone. It's just so permanent and I want it to be just right. Hopefully we can take care of that this week some time. I want it installed before her birthday.

I'm off to the store to get ice cream. My throat is still bothering me from the biopsy and I've had a craving for rainbow sherbert ever since seeing a room painted with orange and lime green on the Home and Garden channel today. We have a friend (a cancer survivor) who also was having a thyroid biopsy this morning and another friend having a thyroid biopsy on Friday. Please keep both of them in your prayers for good results.