Fancy Rainbow Day

Well, Monday came and went and we are still breathing. It is hard to believe that Monday marked the first month without Elizabeth here for us to hold and touch and talk to. In a way, it seems like it has been forever without her. I can't begin to express how hard it is and how much we miss her.

Sunday, March 25th is Fancy Rainbow Day. I'm so sorry that Elizabeth isn't here to share it with us. She created Fancy Rainbow Day last year, and this year was to be our second annual celebrating of her self-designed holiday.

Fancy Rainbow Day came about last year in reaction to St. Patrick's Day. Elizabeth had major surgery on March 8th last year, and was hospitalized until St. Patrick's Day (which happened to be a Friday... I remember it clear as day). I was with her in the garden at Children's Hospital Los Angeles waiting for Dad to finish something in the hospital before going home. Her surgeon, Dr. Stein, happened through and stopped to say hi to her. Elizabeth was wearing something with green (I am pretty sure it had either Ariel's tail or flower greens or something like that... I'm hoping the finer details come to me eventually as my brain fills in those kinds of little things) and I was wearing mostly brown, but my t-shirt had a little shamrock on it. Dr. Stein teased that he wouldn't pinch Elizabeth because she was wearing enough green, but that Mom probably wasn't. Elizabeth thought that was so funny! She got such a big kick out of the requirement of wearing green for St. Patrick's Day. It made quite an impression on her.

Later during the following week, Elizabeth said that pretty soon it was going to be "fancy rainbow day." I, of course, asked her what that was to which she responded "on Fancy Rainbow Day everyone in the whole family has to wear their favorite color." Then she pondered that a few seconds and added, "well, maybe not their favorite color, but at least something very color-full." I asked her when it was and she said "Saturday" which happened to be March 25th. She had me mark the calendar and added that we had to go out for dinner in our fancy rainbow colors on that night. I asked her if it was always supposed to be on March 25th like a birthday is always the same date (and Halloween and Christmas...) or if it was always supposed to be the third Saturday (like Easter and Thanksgiving change dates) of March. She said that it was always March 25th (which I found out happens to be a friend's birthday--happy birthday, Amanda!). And that is how Fancy Rainbow Day was born. It was important to Elizabeth to wear fancy clothes in pretty colors and spend family time together at our favorite restaurant (which is, for those uninitiated, the Elephant Bar in Burbank--although any Elephant Bar would do in a pinch, even the one in Anaheim)... so important that creating a holiday just for that purpose suited her. It was a guarantee that we would spend every March 25th doing just that. I am just so sad that she won't be here with us to see her holiday celebrated again.

If Elizabeth so inspires you, wear colors for her on Sunday. Go out and celebrate living and loving with your families.

Elizabeth's teacher, Mrs. Preis, came by today and she told me that the class is having a celebration on Monday in honor of Fancy Rainbow Day. How incredibly awesome is that?! I popped in on the class this morning just to see them for the first time since Elizabeth died. I could only stay for a few seconds because I was so on the verge of tears, but it was good and hopefully next time I'll be able to hold it together for a little longer. Mrs. Preis also brought me a book that the class had written and illustrated all about Princess Elizabeth. I will have to scan it in and post it up on her Everlasting Memories tribute website. It is so amazing and is the best present I've received (along with the Magic of the Rainbow book that Caitlinn brought me to read to Elizabeth when I visit her at the cemetery) that isn't from my own kids. Kids are just wonderful. It is only through these kids (Elizabeth's fellow cancer survivors and Brownies and classmates) and the boys that I am able to find some relief--some way of healing and relieving the hurt. I just feel such a tie to them because they loved her so much and made Elizabeth's life so full. Sometimes I still can't believe that she is gone.

As for me...
well, I have no real news. My breast surgery is in the process of being scheduled ASAP. An aggressive sample (meaning bigger than necessary is how I am interpreting that) will be taken and biopsied. The surgeon I've decided on (not my first choice since my insurance has denied every appeal to be treated at UCLA's breast center) seems to think it is more likely to be cancer than not, but he also tends to err on the side of caution (assume the worst, be grateful if it's not). I won't know for sure until the surgery if it is or is not cancer. Wouldn't it be nice if that were the only problem?

Unfortunately, I also have thyroid nodules. I found a lump at the base of my neck (also on my right side, same as the breast) the day after Elizabeth died. I thought maybe it was from crying or a physical manifestation of the grief and mourning. It didn't go away. I finally had an ultrasound of my thyroid two weeks ago, which showed a large (2 cm diameter) nodule on the right side and two smaller (0.6 and 0.7 cm diameter) nodules on the left within my thyroid gland. They are complex nodules, meaning both fluid filled and solid, so it is not simply cystic. I am seeing an endocrinologist (gland specialist) this coming Monday who will give me her recommendations. I am expecting a fine-needle aspiration to be scheduled so that cellular samples can be drawn and pathology can determine if it is possibly thyroid cancer. Thankfully, thyroid cancer when caught early (much like breast cancer) is typically cureable... as long as it's not the ultra-rare shouldn't be occurring kind. Funny, I don't find it comforting that as long as it isn't rare it is cureable, because frankly, rare actually does happen to some people and I don't like our track record.

Regardless, I am simply praying that the two incidents, breast and thyroid, are NOT related. I wouldn't even be scared so much if both are different kinds of treatable cancer. I would be very very very scared for my family if it is linked because I know what systemically spreading cancer looks like, what it smells like, what it does and what it steals.

Tomorrow I am starting on Elizabeth's leftover cancer fighting supplements. I have a whole box, untouched. A couple of close friends told me to take them before when all I was facing was possible breast cancer. I couldn't. They were meant for Elizabeth. How could I take them? Part of me resented the supplements--they failed us. They didn't save Elizabeth. She died anyway. And besides, I didn't have cancer as far as I knew. I probably didn't need them. It would be admitting it was possible. Admitting cancer could be right back in our daily lives spitting in our faces. Well, I'm not going down without a fight, and I am afraid a fight is coming, so I'm taking the supplements. I hope it is unneccessary, but I am going to cover my bases and do what I can right now. Maybe I'll start eating bio-organically, too, but only after I finish the last bag of Ruffles in the house. I'm craving some salt...

I love you, Elizabeth.