Mom's surgery scheduled

On Monday we made the big leap and went to our first Michael Hoefflin Foundation grief group meeting. We were regular attendees of the family support groups, one of Elizabeth's and her brothers' favorite things to go to. (Elizabeth wanted to go to family group on February 12th so badly, but she was so so weak that we dared not take her. She loved the pictures and notes everyone sent home with her brother Mike for her.) Going to grief group was not easy. It was funny, though, because Matthew said as people started to arrive "Mom there's some new people!" I had to tell him that they weren't new... WE were the new people! I explained the difference between the groups and he totally understood. I said that the other group meets on the second Monday and that this group meets on the fourth Monday. The old group was for families with a kid who was living with cancer and this other group is for families when that kid with cancer died. He looked at me and said, "Okay, because Elizabethie died so this is our group," and went back in the kids' room to do his thing. He is so funny that way. I like that he can talk about her without crying every time any more.

Last night was hard. We couldn't sleep. I have been taking benedryl at night so I can sleep ever since a friend mentioned it to me. It has helped immensely. Last night I forgot to take it and when 11:30pm rolled around and I was still knitting, it clicked that I needed my benedryl! It took a long time to finally kick in, and I was just miserable. The late night hours are the worst because I remember being awake all the time with Elizabeth. Even when we were sleeping cuddled up in her bed, I would only sleep lightly, always afraid she would die when I was asleep--and I so didn't want that. I wanted to be there for her. I didn't want her to die feeling alone. So when I'm lying in bed alone, awake, and without her to hold... it's just the most empty terrible feeling.

I'm still working on all the thank you notes. We have so many thank you's to get caught up on. So many people did so many things for us both before Elizabeth died and after. I'm still getting notes here and there from ChemoAngels--Elizabeth so loved her Angels! She claimed you all as her own. I am so honored that they send me cards every now and then still. I can see why Elizabeth felt so special when Angel Mail came! I want the thank you's to be personal (Elizabeth always always was very adament about personalizing notes and writing or drawing very specific things for specific people.), so they are taking longer than I wanted, but hopefully in the next couple months they will trickle into the mail system. Please know that we are so so grateful.

So my "removal of breast lesion" surgery is scheduled. I am really not happy with my insurance right now since they did not and will not approve UCLA, but I can live with it (I hope!). I will have the biopsy done at Northridge Hospital (where both Matt and Danny were born) on Monday, April 9th, the day after Easter. I am awaiting insurance approval for fine needle aspiration of my thyroid nodules (under ultrasound guidance). The endocrinologist I saw on Monday, Dr. Barakat (whom I really really like), thought the thyroid problem was certainly NOT thyroid cancer, but could be a hormonal reaction sometimes associated with breast cancer. She was very much in favor for an aggressive breast biopsy ASAP. So that is the status with me. It is all very annoying, but I really can't complain.

Please remember that there are plenty of kids still fighting and too many families hurting. Keep them in your prayers. Thank you for the generous donations to the Elizabeth Hill Memorial Fund. We will be doing something in Elizabeth's name to benefit other kids still fighting, most likely through the hospital, but we are taking our time because we want it to be RIGHT. Of course, we will keep you all posted. Thank you.