Missing Elizabeth

I miss her so much.

There is a huge hole that just won't go away. Every time I leave my bedroom I have to pass through Elizabeth's room to get to the rest of the house (terrible set-up now, but it was always nice before to have our rooms adjoining). I'm finding myself either holing up in my room or staying in the living room to avoid walking through. I just keep wanting her to be back in her bed, telling me to rub her tummy or scratch her back or put lotion on her. I am miserable with loneliness missing her, no matter how many people are around. I would give or do anything just to hold her again.

I already knew she wouldn't outlive me. Her diabetes alone was severe enough that to make it to early adulthood would have been challenging. I knew she could never be pregnant and that I'd never experience that. I had already grieved on some level for all that I knew she'd never do or have as an adult, but I still thought she'd at least have her childhood. We knew she was dying, and yet it is still a shock.

She gave me so much. I wish there was more I could have done for her. Everything we did, all the treatment and the research and switching hospitals and just everything, all of it couldn't save her. It should have been enough and it wasn't.

How many more kids? How many more families?

I am so thankful that I was her mommy. As much as it hurts, I still feel so blessed. Is it possible to feel cursed and blessed at the same time? I think that describes it pretty well.

The boys want to go to Disneyland. We are taking them tomorrow and staying in one of the Disney hotels tomorrow night. We won't be back until probably late Saturday, so don't think we're ignoring any phone calls!