Thyroid biopsy results...

...are in, and I have a benign condition that will be treated with synthroid (synthetic thyroid hormone). We are now moving from a state of unknown and possibly facing more cancer in our family, to a state of moving on with living. Every day without Elizabeth here brings us a little closer to when we'll all be reunited in Heaven, so when I look at it like that things are more tolerable. We are finding ways to pick ourselves off the floor and have family fun time together, always including Elizabeth in our everyday conversations as we remember what she liked and what she did. It is so nice to finally think more about the good times and remember Princess Elizabeth rather than just being able to remember the deterioration and the terribly difficult and painful last two months--of course those two months were the most precious of all because we had to find ways of saying good-bye and giving Elizabeth a lifetime of love, but they were just so painful. I like being at Disneyland now and seeing other little girls and remembering Elizabeth being playful and princess-y, skipping down Main Street. It makes me happy more than melancholy, and I can smile more than tear-up for now.

I'm still focusing on finding work, but I'm finding that everything that I really really want to do (like patient advocate work, case managing, or even staff education training in patient relations, stuff like that) requires an RN... my little chemistry degree doesn't qualify me to take the RN certification test, but I have been investigating different accelerated nursing AA programs that would allow me to test--just to have the information. Looks like my dream job will have to wait and I will probably have to take something else to support us in the meantime...

Now that we have no immediate threat of cancer, we will be trying to decide what we can do in Elizabeth's name with the donations her fund received. Thank you everybody.

Thyroid biopsied

This morning I had the pleasant experience of needles shoved into my thyroid so cell samples could be collected. I use the term "pleasant" very loosely, though I'm not one to complain about much of anything after witnessing everything Elizabeth endured so bravely. The pathologist seemed rather confident that there were enough cells gathered to do a full and complete analysis. The results should be available to my endocrinologist by Friday or Monday, and I imagine I will hear from her office immediately if there is good news. If I haven't heard anything by Monday, I'll call myself to ask if biopsy results are in. Odds are very much in my favor that I have an enlarged and nodular thyroid due to hypothyroidism and NOT cancer, but with Elizabeth having had an endocrine cancer we aren't leaving anything to chance. Thyroid cancer is VERY treatable -- virtually the complete opposite of pancreatic cancer -- so even if a malignancy is found, it is very minor in the grand scheme of life. Certainly nothing can compare to losing a child, so that's that.

After a very very good few days after the breast surgery, seeing Elizabeth while I was under and finally feeling like she really is happy and okay, and getting the good breast biopsy news, I had a very very bad few days. It just keeps coming back around and slapping me in the face. I just miss her so very much. Our home is still so full with the three boys, yet it is so so empty without her. Her smile and sweet giggle just lit our lives so and I'm still having a very hard time trying to find a way to go on with living without her. I think we all are. It is just so sad and wrong and it is never going to be okay that she is gone. That said, we can't just throw ourselves into despair and waste the time we have left to be here before we can be with her again. I'm looking for work, applying for jobs, and sending out resumes. Of course, everywhere I'm looking has something to do with either helping cancer patients or working with parents or at the hospital. I just feel such a need to use what we learned to reach out and help where it's needed.

Other than that, things are still pretty much dragging on. Mike has drama performances coming up for school early May, so he's at school late almost everyday for rehearsal. It has been good for him to have that outlet. Matt and I are still visiting the cemetery a couple times a week. Our roses are starting to bloom like crazy, so we are able to take some of the flowers that Elizabeth so appreciated at home to her grave. I thought that I liked to go because maybe I felt closer to her there, but I don't really feel any closer to her at the cemetery than home. I think I like going because every time it reminds me that we aren't the only people who have lost someone. There is a weird kind of comfort I feel being there -- that death really is such an integral part of living -- and that this life really is just a bump on the road in the whole grand scheme of things. Danny has started sleeping in Elizabeth's bed every now and then. A few nights ago I had to keep putting him back in his bed, he just kept coming out. He finally stopped coming out, so I assumed he must have settled in bed. When I went to get in my bed, I found him in Elizabeth's bed sleeping. He had brought in his pillow and his Build-A-Bear monkey Elizabeth made him, and was snuggled up in her bed. He's done that once again since the first time. I guess he misses her and wants to be close to her, too.

Michael and I still need to order the memorial stone. It's just so permanent and I want it to be just right. Hopefully we can take care of that this week some time. I want it installed before her birthday.

I'm off to the store to get ice cream. My throat is still bothering me from the biopsy and I've had a craving for rainbow sherbert ever since seeing a room painted with orange and lime green on the Home and Garden channel today. We have a friend (a cancer survivor) who also was having a thyroid biopsy this morning and another friend having a thyroid biopsy on Friday. Please keep both of them in your prayers for good results.

Biopsy results...

Finally some good news. On Monday I had the "suspicious breast lesion" removed successfully. Dr. Marks told my husband that everything was "perfect" when describing how the procedure went. Today Dr. Marks called to give me the good news that the source of bleeding had been isolated and was multiple intraductal papillomas--a benign process. So my breast cancer scare is officially OVER for now.

I will be having a fine needle aspiration (guided by ultrasound) of my thyroid nodules done at Northridge Hospital's Women's Center (they have got to be as sick of me as I am of them by now) on Wednesday, April 18th. We are looking for confirmation of common nodular goiter (probably caused by hypothyroidism), but biopsy will be done to rule out thyroid cancer. I have a friend who is having the same thing done two days later, so please keep her in your prayers, too.

The best part about the breast surgery--certainly NOT the throbbing boob pain I experienced the day after once the local anesthetic wore off--was being under general anesthesia. They used propaphol, which we recognized immediately as Elizabeth's "milky sleepy medicine." While I was under, I saw Elizabeth. She was in the distance running and playing in ways she never could while she was alive with cancer. She looked completely healthy and restored, so much so that she almost didn't look like herself, but it was clearly her. She was happy! I don't know that she "visited" me, because I didn't have any direct communication with her, but I believe that I was given this sweet gift of seeing her. I felt like someone was telling me that she was okay and that I could stop worrying about her. I really believe that this experience was a most precious gift from God, at a time I needed it most. I tried to get closer to her once I saw her, but couldn't. When I was coming out of the anesthesia, I remember asking for Michael, and apparently once he was there I told him SEVERAL times about Elizabeth... I was still pretty loopy from the medication I guess. Even if the icky complications from this surgery happen, this experience was WELL worth it. I finally feel like Elizabeth is okay.

We are starting to pick up the pieces and find ways to move forward with life. I'm looking for work. Matt likes to go to the cemetery, so lately we've been going about 2 or 3 times a week. It's nice to remember Elizabeth through his eyes sometimes, and to see how much he still thinks about her and loves her. Elizabeth's brothers are going to keep her memory alive in so many amazing ways... I am excited to see what they continue to come up with.

We are getting ready to go to the Aquarium of the Pacific today. Matt loves the aquarium and it was one of his and Elizabeth's favorite places to go, other than Disneyland. Seeing the rays will be hard. Elizabeth loved the rays. She loved spending a long time at the touch tanks with Matt, petting and playing with the rays.

I had my pre-op on Tuesday. I am not excited about getting this biopsy surgery. It turns out that there is a pretty high percentage of certainty (upwards of 70%) that I will suffer some pretty icky complications based on the location of the lesion. And these complications are regardless of the outcome of the biopsy--they are simply a result of having the surgery at all. But there is no way to tell if the lesion is cancerous without doing the biopsy surgery, so if I didn't do the surgery I would run the risk that I do in fact have breast cancer and we don't catch it now. Obviously, I am going ahead with the surgery--but I'm not very enthusiastic about it. Surgery is on Monday, April 9th, the day after Easter. I have to be at the hospital (Northridge Hospital, the same place both Matt and Danny were born) at 7:30am, which is good because I can't eat. Impending breast surgery (which will require radiologically guided wires to be placed in my breast first) AND no food--I will be a very cranky person on Monday morning. I'm guessing I'll be pretty cranky after surgery, too...

We visited the cemetery again yesterday. Matt and I went on Monday, too. It's always nice to see that other people have visited Elizabeth and left flowers for her. I like knowing other people are thinking about her and missing her, too.

Happy Easter! We will be spending Easter alone at home. It's just too hard to even think about being with other people on the holidays right now. Last Easter was our last trip to Tennessee (the only trip after Elizabeth was diagnosed) and our last Easter holiday with Elizabeth. She was so worried that the Easter Bunny may not be able to find her so far away from home. Matt asked the other day if the Easter Bunny visits Heaven. I assured him that I am very sure that Easter is a very big party up in Heaven!!

I'm still waiting to schedule the fine-needle aspiration of my thyroid. We'll keep you posted.