Well, Mike is in Tennessee having a great time and I'm trying to get through the last two weeks of teacher training before I start teaching on August 20. It is hard to believe that the summer is already coming to an end.
About a week ago I was at a high school, observing a teacher, getting ready to do a one day lesson. The teacher decided that I should take his 9th grade Health and Wellness class for a day and then proceeds to check what lesson material will need to be covered that day--turns out the lesson was Grief and it's 5 stages... so I just chuckled to myself and thought it was just another thing to roll with. I prepared the PowerPoint presentation as I was instructed, and went on to lead group discussion with the 40 14-year olds about grief the following day. As we were concluding our discussion and reviewing the key points we had to cover (the 5 stages of grief, losing a loved one, coping mechanisms, funerals, wakes, viewings, cremation, etc), the teacher brings up the topic of cremation jewelry. The kids were curious, and he brought up a website on the TV in the front of the room that sells diamonds made from the ashes of someone who has been cremated. Now really I am totally okay with discussing these kinds of things--and I was completely prepared to talk about grief and losing someone without specifically saying that I am going through it myself. But the website had a picture of a diamond ring and right next to it a school picture of a little girl, probably about 7 years old, bald, and thin... obviously (to me) suffering from cancer. The diamond in the ring was made from her ashes. I was floored--because all I could see was Elizabeth in that little girl's picture, and I just wasn't expecting to be hit with something like that. I still don't know why the sequence of events happened the way it did, but I feel like someone is trying to tell me something! Needless to say, just when I think I'm okay and doing well, something hits me out of the blue like that. I know that these kind of things will continue to happen, but I just wish it wouldn't be so sudden and unexpected. It seems that every time I let my guard down, I get hit.
Of course, I am still missing Elizabeth all the time. It's hard to put on nailpolish without crying because I miss doing her nails for her. I can't shop in toy aisles any more lately because there are new Barbies out promoting the newest Barbie Princess movie coming out in the fall--and it breaks my heart that this is the first one that Elizabeth won't get to see. Not everything gets to me, but I see that there are a few specific things that really do (and it seems to vary from month to month what reopens the wounds worse). This whole new way of life just really sucks.
That said, I'm really excited about starting to teach. I know that nothing can ever take away the pain of losing Elizabeth and that there is nothing I can do to replace how important taking care of her was, but I also know that I need to get out and do something new and challenging to remember that I am still alive and still have to keep moving. The training is getting a little tedious, but having some good people to endure the boredom with helps immensely. Thankfully, full time training ends soon. Of course, then there are 3 more years of weekly night classes to get through...
Today I ran into one of Elizabeth's classmates as I was leaving my doctor's office (TB test for the school district--nothing major). It was so incredible to see him and it made me so happy when he hugged me! Elizabeth loved those kids so much, and this little guy was particularly special. I didn't even realize how much I've been missing them! It was such a nice bonus for the day.
I'm still working up to ordering Elizabeth's marker. This month (August 19th) will mark 6 months since she died. It really is time for me to do this, and I'm starting to get really annoyed with myself that it hasn't been done sooner. I just don't know that I can yet. It seems so silly that I am having such a hard time with it--I mean, she is already dead, and getting a marker isn't going to make it any worse! It's already as bad as it gets! My own hang-up... I just wish I understood it better so I could make some progress with it!
posted by The Hill Family @ 7:03 PM
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