Mike got home from Camp Ronald McDonald for Good Times yesterday afternoon. He was there for a week, and had a great time (as always). It was difficult at times, between all the memories of being at Family Camp there with Elizabeth, and the inevitable questions that come with being at a camp for cancer fighters and their siblings ("Are you a survivor or a sibling?" "Oh, how old is your sister?" "How is she now?"). As an added layer, there was a sweet little 9 year old girl there, still on treatment, that reminded Mike of Elizabeth. At one point, he even showed her the picture of Elizabeth he carried in his pocket while he was there. Ever the sensitive one, he never even hinted that Elizabeth died, for fear that he would scare her or make her feel uncomfortable. He is so concientious about how other people will feel about his sister being dead, that sometimes I wonder if he worries half as much about his own feelings. Anyway, it is really good to have him home. I missed him.

Mike will be leaving (yet again!) to go to Tennessee on Wednesday night. He will be visiting his grandparents, cousins, aunt, and uncle and is staying for what seems like an eternity--just over three weeks. Mike will be flying alone (he is almost 13) with help from flight attendants to switch planes at a layover. I am going to be a nervous wreck until I know he is off the plane and safe with Grandpa Terry!!

The other boys are doing well--getting bigger by the day. Danny is getting really tall, but still not talking much. It is time to get a speech specialist involved. We should be able to get some help through the school district in the fall. We had been really concerned a few months ago that there was something more going on (hearing issues or autism), but Danny does try to communicate (although it is using mainly sounds and not discernable words) and he hears and understands everything we tell him. Hopefully with a little help from a speech therapist we can get him on track. He is now officially 2 1/2 years old, and needs to be able to talk.

Matt is jealous that his big brother both got to go to Camp and now is going to Tennessee. Matt will be six in September, so he really is still too young, but that doesn't change how he feels about it. And I can't say I blame him, either... He is starting to take on a lot of the characteristics of the typical middle child. We'll have to find something fun for him to help occupy the rest of the summer.

I've been pretty weepy this past week. Everything reminds me of Elizabeth, and of how much I miss her. She really was incredible--so much older than her years, so much wiser than I ever will be. I miss her silly made up jokes and the way she would write "I love you Mom" on all of her pictures (even the ones she gave to other people). I miss her little girly self, asking for glittery nail polish on her nails and sparkley lip gloss. We had a lot of fun girly time together and taking her to Club Libby Lu for makeovers every now and then was so much fun for both of us. She is simply irreplaceable and I guess I am starting to realize that nothing is going to make this empty feeling any better. It is always going to be there. I guess it is just how we learn to live with it that makes this experience different for every family dealing with losing a child. Believe me, there are still plenty of days that I am really angry, too. We're okay, but we'd be better if Elizabeth were still alive.

I'll start teaching on August 20, but I'm in training still full time until then. There is a lot of prep work involved and I keep hearing that the first year of teaching is "the hardest thing you'll ever do"--while I can dispute that it is the hardest thing I'll ever do (I think holding Elizabeth in my arms as she died tops anything else by miles), I'm sure it won't be a cake-walk. So even when I'm home, I'm doing a lot of prep-work. I have the unique situation of taking over classes 6 weeks into the school year, so that will be its own challenge. Not that I'm complaining--"challenge" is such a relative term and honestly I am rather sure that I can face anything head on, with the exception of anything bad happening to the boys. That said, if anyone out there has found great science resources (books, websites), please email me with the info. I'm trying to build my library of ideas and I'm taking suggestions...

Enjoy the rest of the summer! Elizabeth loved the beach in summertime. I'm sad that we aren't sharing our love for everything oceanic together, but I hope that in time her brothers will happily remember beach times with her when we go and that it won't be as sad. Hug your kids and remember to tell them how much you love them. We had the gift of knowing we were losing Elizabeth and we got to tell her what we wanted--not everyone has that chance.

News...

First off, I need to apologize for taking so long to update here. It has been some time, but I do truly appreciate that there are still so many people checking in on us and remembering Elizabeth. Thank you for the encouraging messages. Really--every hit that this web page still gets brings me so much pride, knowing that there are still so many people who take the time to remember Elizabeth and how her life has changed theirs. It is truly humbling.

The last two months have been very very full, in spite of being so empty. Any of the fellow parents out there who have lost their sick child know exactly what I mean by that statement. All the medical requirements are gone, time is freed up, and there are no more new memories being created with Elizabeth. As I had briefly mentioned back in May, I was thinking about teaching. I took my CSETs in May (and passed all 3--yay!), my CBEST in June (and again passed--woo hoo!), and scrambled to get my transcripts and paper work in order to apply for the LAUSD district intern program. I was accepted (good thing after all that $$ paying off Pepperdine to get my transcript and taking tests!) and started my intern training the second week of July. I will be teaching chemistry and integrated science at Marshall High School as soon as I finish the training in August.

As fate would have it, Marshall High is about 3 minutes away from Children's Hospital Los Angeles. I even take the same freeway exit and head up the road just as if I was on my way to CHLA. When I visited the school to see if I would accept the job offer, it just felt right. The campus is actually a national historic landmark and is a beautiful brick building with sculpted concrete. My classroom is huge, complete with desk area AND lab area, and the stockrooms are well supplied. The science department seems to work pretty collaboratively, and I am really happy with my decision to accept their offer. And the fact that it is SOOOOO close to the hospital will hopefully allow me to find some time to volunteer there after work, even if it is just once in a while.

Right now most of my time is consumed with training. I drive to and from the USC campus every day, and we are in class 8am to 5pm. With drive time included, it is pretty much a 12 hour day for me. UGH! Michael is staying home with the boys, making the transition to stay-at-home Dad (without Mom always around) pretty smoothly. I must admit, it does feel pretty good when all 3 of the boys run up and hug me, yelling "Mom's home!" when I arrive. There are a lot of really good people training to be teachers with me and I'm getting excited to get to my classes on August 20 (I'm teaching on Track C of a 3 track system, which means I have all of November and December then May and June off). An off track chemistry teacher has already started teaching my classes until I'm done with training, so I know that my students are in really good hands until I get them myself.

I'm training to run in the Disneyland Half Marathon--yes, that is 13.1 miles--on Labor Day. I'm on track with my training, although now that I am in teacher training every waking moment during the week, it has been tough to get in as much time running as I had been before the intern program started. I do like having a training goal, though. Mikey is going to run the 5K the day before I do the half-marathon, and Matt and Danny get to do mini age-appropriate races as well.

Elizabeth's birthday was a wonderful celebration (May 24). We spent the afternoon with her class and had cake and a balloon release. Our dear friend Pun (Mr. Magic Fun Extraordinaire!!) came to the class and made Elizabeth's friends laugh and smile. It was really just the perfect birthday present! I know Elizabeth must have been participating in her little part of Heaven. I still have not ordered the memorial stone. It is actually starting to bother me that it isn't there, so that will have to be the next big hurdle in the next month. I just hate having this last thing hanging over me, and yet it is one last thing that I am probably still holding onto because I'm not ready to be done with it. Oh, the constant contradictions of feelings! I guess I'm getting used to the new normal. At least it's not knocking me over the head unexpectedly quite as often, anyway.

As far as news about my dad... he was released on May 31 and is still getting outpatient treatment for a heart condition. He is on disability and waiting for his consultation at UCLA in another month or two. Hopefully they can find the problem (he will have an electrophysiological test) and correct it without too much complication. But he is on the mend, and I appreciate all the thought and concern we received. Thank you.

Elizabeth is still very much alive in our everyday lives. It is awful to not be able to touch her and hold her, but she is still all around us. Pictures of her, her endless collection of drawings and notes to us, her toys, and the Build-a-Bears with her voice that she made for her brothers, keep her very present to us. I can remember happy times with her without crying at times, and I find myself wanting to talk about her all the time. How honored am I to be her mom! The boys are making new memories together, but always talk about her and remember the things they did with her and what she liked and who she really was. It still sucks, but we're okay.

I think that covers most of the "catch-up." I have more pictures I will gladly post once my desktop computer is back up and running. The boys are getting bigger and look like little men with their new haircuts (well, not Mikey--he's not trimming his long locks yet). I still love all of you ChemoAngels (if you don't know who they are, visit http://www.chemoangels.net and consider becoming an angel yourself) and everyone at Canterbury and CHLA and Love on 4 Paws and MHF and Camp Ronald McDonald for Good Times and Make A Wish and Girl Scout troop 144 and Centerstage Dance LA and everyone else I'm accidentally leaving off the list... I have every confidence that Elizabeth really did enjoy each day to its fullest (as that was just her way) with the help of everyone who reached out to us during the past three years.