No real news on my dad... he's still inpatient (as anybody who has experienced the glory of hospitalization knows, Friday nights are perhaps the worst times to be admitted--nobody knows anything until late Monday once the facility is up and running again during the week) and we still don't have a diagnosis. They have run every conceivable blood panel, every tumor marker, even ultrasounds and a CT and chest x-ray, and I almost forgot to mention the EKG. He is off antibiotics now, but is being treated for his presenting symptoms just not the underlying cause since we still don't know what that is. Ugh, the frustration all comes back and slaps me in the face. In some ways it feels like reliving part of the nightmare, just in a different way. It all just reminds me of all the crap with Elizabeth and how hard some of those days were--yet I'd do anything just to have even one of the worst days back again. I just miss her so much. She would have turned seven on Thursday. We should be planning her Disney Cruise or a Disneyworld trip, not trying to finalize her memorial headstone marker. I think I'm finally starting to feel some anger about how much she went through and how crappy and unfair it all is. It just sucks because there is no one to be angry at, nothing to really focus the anger at or blame the circumstances on. So many feelings and no real purpose or direction for them. I'm okay, I'm not about to blow--I don't want anyone reading this to worry about me, I'm coping with it and dealing with it appropriately. I just can understand now how readily people who have experienced tragedy (in any sort) get so angry and want to start lawsuits or try to hold other people or entities responsible--it gives their anger direction. Sometimes things happen that we (nor anyone else) have any control over and it's not fair and it makes us angry and there is still noone responsible for it and nobody to hold accountable. And we are left feeling hurt, angry, and utterly helpless because we can't change it. Pretty similar to how we feel once our children are diagnosed with cancer--the tragedy which is the precursor to bigger tragedy.

Please say an extra prayer for two of Elizabeth's cancer fighting friends. One is in remission and off treatment, but she has been in my heart for the past couple of days and I really really feel like she could use some extra prayers. The other is still in treatment but doing well, but he is far from done and he has been on my heart, too.

Thanks for checking in. Oh, and if anyone has any corporate or personal connections with people high up in the Build A Bear Workshop company, please contact me. I have a potential project I think Elizabeth's Memorial Fund could develop in conjunction with them.

Take care.

Prayer Request

As if we haven't already had our fair share of hospitals... my dad was rushed to emergency last night. The docs have narrowed it down to a major infection of some sort (still waiting for cultures), but have him on ceftriaxone in the meantime. Things got pretty hairy in emergency, but it appears that he is stable now (was doing better when I left at 3am and sounded okay this morning when I called). He isn't in ICU, but he is on the medically monitored critical floor (which is just one step up from ICU), so it is pretty serious. Please keep him in your prayers. We just lost Elizabeth and I'm just not ready to deal with anymore death.

I am still taking my CSET today (yikes--just one more hour before I need to leave). My dad actually seemed proud when I told him about it yesterday, so I'm not missing that test on his behalf. For five hours I'll just have to concentrate on science and put the rest out of my mind... so much easier said than done! Please pray that they can figure out whatever the problem is, and that it is fixable. Thanks.

It's May...

and that means Elizabeth's 7th birthday is coming up. This is not easy. Elizabeth wanted a 10-day Disney cruise for her 7th birthday... I sure hope God is giving her something way better up there, because she sure deserves it!

Matt wanted to have a big birthday party for Elizabeth here at the house, complete with bouncer and cake and a huge balloon release. I considered it for awhile, and thought that we could even have a toy drive for Children's Hospital in Elizabeth's honor to celebrate her birthday. I think it's just too much for us right now, though. What an emotional rollercoaster... fine one day, a wreck the next--so hard to predict. We just miss her so much.

Elizabeth's classmates have already decided that they want to have a birthday party for her in class, so I think I'd like to be there for that. Maybe even bring balloons for them to attach notes for Elizabeth to and release. I think I'd like to do a toy drive, too, sometime later down the road. We still have most of Elizabeth's Christmas presents still packaged (unwrapped, just never opened up to play with--she was just too tired to play any more--I know she plays a lot now!) waiting to be donated to CHLA. Elizabeth likes that idea and wouldn't have it any other way.

After a lot of thought and discussion, we've decided for me to pursue teaching through LAUSD. I just registered last LAST minute for the CSET exam that I will be taking this Saturday. It is the 19th, which marks 3 months since Elizabeth died. I don't miss her any less, but I am happy knowing that she is happy. I feel her so many times around me. Now when I cry, it's less about being sad about everything she endured the last few months or about everything she never got to do. It's more about just missing her and wishing I could watch her grow up. She was my only daughter, my special little girl. I know she misses us, too, but every time I get really really sad I can almost hear her telling me what I told her as she died in my arms--I love you and we'll all be together again really soon. Oh, how I miss her!

So the test is Saturday--all five hours of it. I'm taking two general science tests covering everything from astronomy to geology to physics to optics to magnetism to enviromental science to biology to cells, and more... and one subject specific test for Chemistry. It will be a joy--to have it done with. As long as I pass, I have a decent shot at getting into the district's credential program--assuming I can get Pepperdine to release my degree... ah, but that's another story which involves me giving them lots of money to finally pay off my tuition. Just more hurdles... feels like they just keep coming. Anyway, I hope this is the right path. The health insurance alone is worth a ton. Please pray for wisdom in this area. We are so at a crossroads.

Please keep all the kids still fighting for their lives in your prayers. I am so thankful for everyone who helped us keep Elizabeth alive, medically, emotionally, and spiritually. And we are thankful for everyone who still checks in on us and the boys. I want to do something that helps pay back in some way... I'm still so so so thankful to Trinity Kids LA hospice. They helped us cope during the worst times we ever faced. I feel like they are a huge part of our family, and yet we only knew them in the last weeks. Big hugs to all of you who still love Elizabeth and pray for the rest of the cancer kids!